The world is not a wish-granting factory

Today I picked up The fault in our Stars and began reading it from a random page. As I was reading, I imagined myself in the characters’ position, as you do.  I imagined what it would be like to have a disease which kills you not only physically but also mentally. What it would be like to be a Grenade as Hazel puts it in the book.

It would be heartbreaking and scary, no doubt about it and I am not one of those weirdos who wish to be Hazel Grace because it’s oh so romantic. But I still imagine what I would do if I come to know today that my days are numbered.

And thus began my mental checklist of what I would do and what I should do if I have few months of life left. Midway through this discussion I asked myself, “Why don’t I do these things now? Why do I have to wait for a deadline before I start doing things I want to?”

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Just Keep Going On

My last semester at the college is over and I am doing what many may call “wasting time“.

I wake up late every morning, skip breakfast and have my lunch. Snacks in the evening and then skip dinner. Then I go to sleep in the early hours of the next day.

The time in between is occupied by YouTube, Kdrama, Anime, Manga or mindless internet surfing.

I wake up in pyjamas and change into pyjamas. I haven’t stepped out of the house in over a week. If you call me now, there is a strong 92% chance of me putting my cell phone on silent and waiting till you stop calling me. If you text me right now, I may read your text later. After a week? Given the current state, probably a month or maybe just mark it as ‘read‘. I currently have 42 unread messages on WhatsApp, I haven’t checked messenger or instant messaging yet so dunno about that. I just deleted 144 emails without reading. Which I probably shouldn’t have done.

If you are reading this, it means that I have finally uploaded a post here after a year-long hiatus. But in my defence, it was my last year at college and I needed to study. But again, I didn’t do that either.

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Stress

Have you ever wondered how is it like to feel like a stranger?
Like a fish out of water,
Like a teardrop in a loud laughter,
Like love in a heart of a hater!

Have you ever wondered how is it like to feel lost?
Like a drop in the ocean,
Like a needle in a haystack,
Lost… that you don’t know white from black!
Like walking straight in a destination,
When you know there is no way to go back!

Have you ever wondered how is it like to feel so confused?
That you don’t know, 
when you’re treated nicely
And when you are abused!
Have you ever felt so much low?
And you don’t know what to do or where to go?
When you see all the doors around you are locked and closed!

Have you ever wondered how is it like to be in a non-stop stress?
When you never feel so sure about something you always have to guess!
when you feel like crying out loud
And spit that burden of these hard feelings inside you
However, these feelings you have to keep & suppress
Although, you are in the greatest need for a gentle caress!

Had anyone felt so much pain like this before?
‘Cause that’s what I really feel… maybe even more!

I don’t wanna feel like a stranger
I don’t wanna feel lost
I don’t wanna feel confused
I don’t wanna be in a non-stop stress
I just want to stop this dreadful feeling of loneliness!

Have You Ever Wondered?
~ Anonymous

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