Today I picked up The fault in our Stars and began reading it from a random page. As I was reading, I imagined myself in the characters’ position, as you do. I imagined what it would be like to have a disease which kills you not only physically but also mentally. What it would be like to be a Grenade as Hazel puts it in the book.
It would be heartbreaking and scary, no doubt about it and I am not one of those weirdos who wish to be Hazel Grace because it’s oh so romantic. But I still imagine what I would do if I come to know today that my days are numbered.
And thus began my mental checklist of what I would do and what I should do if I have few months of life left. Midway through this discussion I asked myself, “Why don’t I do these things now? Why do I have to wait for a deadline before I start doing things I want to?”
And the thing is, it’s awfully easy to live a life. But we never do.
Because we believe in future. We believe in life.
We just take our life and our time for granted and hence when we have very little life remaining, we go into this living mode.
We all have a deadline on life and like any other deadline we begin working just before it’s too late. We don’t really start working till we know that the deadline is near and we are running out of time. We don’t start living till we know that the deadline is near, and we are running out of life.
It’s ironic that for most people to start living their lives, they have to be dying.
So, Should I start living my life? Absolutely.
Will I start living my life? Probably not.
Because I know I have time. I have some time (if not a lot) before my deadline. And also because living my life is not a priority right now. My priority is probably making a life. I have to complete my education and set up a career and set up a life.
Living a life can wait. Living a life has to wait.
I can’t drop everything right now and go wanderlust-ing. I can’t just pick up my sketchbook and pencils and leave to explore the world and draw the world the way I see it.
I cannot, for the life of me, declare my sexuality to the world.
But if I was dying, I would cut off all my hair because yes short hair doesn’t suit me but I won’t give a shit. I would get a thousand tattoos and pierce my ears a thousand times till they resembled a sieve. I would be loud and proud and say “Hey, I am a little gay.” I would drop out of this soul sucking Masters’ course where I seem to be learning nothing and go to some forest where I could actually be with plants and other creations I have come to love.
I would do all of this if I was dying.
But I am not, so I won’t do all of that.
Because I have a future. A future where I have to prove that I am a respectful, responsible adult who has their shit together. Who has built a good life for themself and the people who matter to them.
And don’t get me wrong, I want to be responsible and all that. I want to help people and be a good citizen and a better human being but it’s tiring. It’s so, so tiring and I am exhausted of living.
I don’t want to go on, at least not till I figure out what I have to do. I feel like I am walking in this world while looking down at my feet. Like I have started living and experiencing the world through a filter and I don’t even know if my feelings are genuine or I am just trying to fit in with this world.
And I don’t know where I am going with this post.
You know, I really would like to live my life. And I wish could start right away before the time runs out. But the world, this society will not let me.
As you know, The world is not a wish-granting factory.